Wade WilsonDeadpool

Welcome to the Deadpool character bio, nerds! I mean...True Believers! Brought to you by me, myself, and I: the fabulous Deadpool! I could have let some smelly pencil-pushing intern spell out my life story for you, but you deserve better.

So, here it is, straight from the Merc with a Mouth's mouth—every detail of my morally ambiguous, mentally unstable, innuendo-laden past. From my very first appearance in NEW MUTANTS #98, to my latest booty-kicking, comic relief-ing anti-heroics, to a third thing that I can't think of right now, this is the definitive history of Deadpool.

Okay, intro's over. Let the solemn origin story fade in?

Section One (My Origin)

Call me Ishmael.

Just kidding. Don't do that.

Like any misunderstood hero, I probably had a difficult childhood that led to my career as a professional killer. That, or someone brainwashed me into murdering my parents. If I don't remember, does it really count? Or matter?

Let's just say that I was an orphan, a wizard put me on my aunt and uncle's doorstep, they raised me in secret, and then I went to a special magic school where a bald man regularly tried to murder me with voodoo.

Okay, that's not true...but I do have a scar on my forehead! Several, actually!

Anyway, seriously, I joined the military at 17 years-old, but was discharged soon thereafter. So, naturally, I decided to become an assassin (which is, by the way, an incredibly fun word to write).

Then I met Wade and Mercedes Wilson, a young couple that nursed me back to health after an early failed job. Some may say that I killed them both in an attempt to steal Wade's identity, but guys, come on. I'm the real Wade Wilson. 

While working as a hired gun, I met the expensively beautiful Vanessa Carlyle, and we made a perfectly dysfunctional pair. I then got an assignment to kill a British operative named Althea (important moment readers, I'm meeting my best friend here) but decided to kill everyone else instead. Doing this made my employers...unhappy. So they tried to kill Vanessa. Luckily, a special agent named Zoe Culloden—who'd been spying on me to try and convert me into some kind of messiah protector—rescued Vanessa. Weird subplot, I know

Cue my first life-defining moment: they gave me inoperable cancer. Low blow. I dumped Vanessa and joined a Weapon X program, where a few experiments served me up fresh and cancer free—with a side order of healing powers. Mmm, tasty! I joined their internal team of mercenaries, but my powers had some performance issues, so the department sent me off to die quietly in a place called Hospice. As if a painful, slow death could shut this mouth up. Clearly, these guys hadn't read any of my supporting literature.

There were a few other guys stuck in there with me, and we had a betting pool over who would kick the bucket first. We called it the dead pool, and because I'm a clever girl and because my name needed some kind of logic behind it, I adopted the moniker Deadpool. What? No, I disagree, it's not a reach at all.

Section Two: Electric Boogaloo (My Super Powers)

Let's be honest, my greatest super-powers are wit and charm. But if you want a more literal interpretation of my superhuman abilities, I have a healing factor, which allows me to recover from grave injuries by regenerating entire body parts. I'm also an expert marksman and hand-to-hand combatant. It's true—I'm basically a ninja. And I speak a bunch of languages, like Japanese, German, and Spanish, but most of the time I pretend I don't. Danke schön.

Oh! And I have the ability to harness continuity errors and break the fourth wall. Pretty cool, I know.

Section Three: Return of the Paragraph (A List of People that Hate Me)

Let's face it: even the people that like me still, at the end of the day, end up hating me. So instead of having a list of allies and enemies like every other goody two shoes, I'll just put together a collection of people who have tried—or will try—to kill me. You comfortable? Here we go.

First, there's my work associates, like Hammerhead, the Mercs for Money, Kingpin, Bullseye, Tolliver, Taskmaster, and Weasel. Then there's the people who have always hated me: T-Ray, the Boss, Madcap, Dr. Emrys Killebrew, Wizard, Typhoid, Sabretooth, and Thanos.  

Then there's the jilted ex-lovers: Death, Copycat, Anastasia, and Shiklah. And then we have the good guys who, generally, wouldn't mind if Kraven the Hunter turned my skin into a cummerbund. This list includes the X-Men, the Avengers, X-Force, S.H.I.E.L.D., the Secret Defenders, the Great Lakes Avengers, Cable, Siryn, Spider-Man, and of course my closest friend, Blind Al.

Section Four: I'm Getting Tired of This (Story Highlights)

Alright, here's the deal, I'm not going to cover every detail of my 25-plus years in comics. Okay? Deal with it.

After escaping from Hospice and freeing my fellow patients, I got back to doing what I do best: listening to K-Pop music. And also killing people for money.

I imprisoned Blind Al, worked as a hired gun for crime lords like Kingpin and Tolliver, and got hired to kill Cable—but Copycat (Vanessa's a shape-shifter now, keep up) stopped me. We were actually on-again-off-again for longer than I thought, mostly because a bunch of the other women, men, and aliens I dated were just her being all shape-shifty.

More than once, organizations tried to recreate my healing factor to no avail. You're looking at the one-and-only, baby! Zoe Culloden and her group of interdimensional nut jobs continued to hound me about their Mithras Directive (that whole messiah thing). I briefly joined in, then decided to bounce and blew some stuff up on my way out.

Later, I teamed up with the dreamy tattoo artist Anastasia to take out a few mob bosses. I fell in love with her, then she sold me out and I had to kill her. Standard love story. I joined the U.S. Weapon X program, but Kane went a little too crazy, so an Irish exit was in order. Then Sabretooth killed Copycat—despite the fact that bro code explicitly says "don't kill your work colleagues' ex-girlfriends." I confronted the director of the program and, in response, he destabilized my healing factor, causing me to disintegrate completely except for one hand. Having only one hand isn't exactly ideal—hard to get enough torque.

Then Thanos—still ticked off about a little fling I had with Lady Death—cursed me with immortality. I regrew my own body, but while I was just a sad lonely hand, four of my personality aspects were given their own bodies by a guy named T-Ray, and they all gallivanted around town under my name. But don't worry, I took care of it—can't have anyone messing up my garbage reputation but me!

After that, I started the short-lived Deadpool, Inc. and got recruited by S.H.I.E.L.D. for some off-the-books assignments and eventually landing with my favorite Deadpool handler, Agent Emily Preston. One World Church hired me to steal the Façade virus, but Cable had to do his whole Ghost of Christmas Future thing on me and intervened, literally sticking us together. Once separated, I piggybacked off his teleportation tech (because no one pays for Cable these days, am I right) and got away. Then I joined forces with the X-Men when they tried to foil Cable's plan to destroy all weapons, but I realized old man Steve Rogers, AKA Captain America, would probably think it was a noble cause, so I switched sides. Unfortunately, someone brainwashed me to kill one of my friends. Sad!

Keeping with the "Deadpool never gets to be the hero" theme, my next few story arcs saw me rounding up renegade heroes for S.H.I.E.L.D. during the superhuman Civil War, becoming a reserve Great Lakes Avenger before Squirrel Girl kicked me out for being a nuisance. Harsh stuff coming from the smelly rodent girl! At least I don't have fleas! Most of the time!

During the big Secret Invasion event, Nick Fury tasked me with finding out how to destroy the Skrulls, but Norman Osborn, often the evil Green Goblin, foiled my plans and left me with all of the blame and none of the glory. Yeah, sounds about right. From there, my creepy crawly buddy Spider-Man finally got a more prominent role in my series. Ah...so many okay memories.

Following that, I briefly ran the Deadpool Corps, lost my healing abilities, and—because life lessons are important in comics—learned to rely less on my regeneration factor. So I vowed to get back to my former gun-slinging, sword wielding, ninja self. Back to basics! Then—gasp—plot twist: I learned I had a daughter! Little Eleanor Camacho, but she goes by Ellie. And—gasp again—plot twist number two: I got married to Shiklah, Queen of the Undead! My dream lady.

Things started to take a turn for the better; I became rich, famous, and beloved, starring in my own series after Secret Wars. Captain America personally asked me to join the Avengers Unity Squad. I began funding the Avengers and opened Heroes for Hire to bring in some extra cash. But I didn't realize Madcap was only posing as an ally—and he ended up infecting me with a deadly airborne virus that I carried straight to my family. Rude. I had to make a deal with Stryfe for a cure, and owing him a favor is like...I don't know, but it's bad. Plus, my beloved Shiklah, ruler of the underground Monster Metropolis, felt jilted by my love for humans and attempted an invasion of Manhattan. It was a huge mess and ultimately, and sadly, led to divorce. Shiklah then chose that blood-sucking Dracula over me! The nerve. 

To take my mind off of things, I helped S.H.I.E.L.D. track down space rabies-infected Rocket Raccoon. When I found him, he was in a heated argument with Howard the Duck and then the worst happened. Rocket took a chunk out of my teleporter device and it merged me with Howard. We were now Deadpool the Duck. The vomiting that followed was not cute, let me tell you. We soon realized that only one of us could be in control at a time while the other got to hang in the Negative Zone (some real Captain Marvel/Rick Jones stuff). Everything ultimately led back to the evil Roxxon Energy Corporation and something to do with nanomachines, which we had to eat so we could become our whole selves again. Then…dun dun duuun! The mastermind behind it all, Doctor Bong, entered the story. He of course wanted to create an army of animal hybrids. Hard pass. We put a stop to that by defeating Bong (which is putting it nicely).

Then my everything, my idol, my most faithfully steadfast hero Captain America was secretly replaced by an alternate timeline Hydra sleeper agent. But I didn't know this info at the time, and Steve Rogers had never led me astray before, so when he asked me to kill Phil Coulson and Agent Preston, I—ya know—did. And accidentally helped Hydra to take over the government. As fun as that might sound, I can assure you it was not.

Eventually, a bunch of Super Heroes saved the day and all I lost was my friends, my daughter's affection, and any respect I had finally gained from a world that's always rejected me. So I put a bounty on my own head and challenged the Marvel Universe to kill me!

But it didn't work because I'm still here. Writing this character biography. Doing work an intern should be doing. Not getting paid.

Okay.

Uhh?

How do I end this.

Umm?

Oh! I know.

The truth is...I am Iron Man.

Not really. Okay but really, there’s never an end for me because I am unending! That is, unable to be defeated. So the next bananas thing that happened to me…well, I lost my memories and made Negasonic Teenage Warhead my assistant, because who doesn’t love teen angst?!

I was soon hired for my special set of skills to slay the Monster King and worked with famed monster hunter (and babe) Elsa Bloodstone and of course succeeded, taking the throne for myself per monster law. Now I’m the King of the Monsters and in charge of a whole island full of them: Staten Island. I tried to make peace between monsters and humans but that failed—thanks Captain America—so I started a war until the bootleg millennial Kraven the Hunter interrupted me, killed my subjects, and Elsa shot me in the head. Rude. I guess Elsa was trying to save my rubbish life. Less rude. I survived, of course, and eventually defeated the jungle freak by having one of my citizens eat him. 

But then the insanely hot Elsa wouldn’t leave me alone and she told me that she was dying. That bloodstone in her palm was the culprit and of course she needed my help with it because I’m the expert on jewelry. Not really. But we did find out that the gem was poisoned by the monstrous Queen of the Bone Beasts. Great name. We made a plan to kill the queen in her realm, but Elsa, ever the minx, turned on me to make me the Queen’s new host?! What? Despite her shocking betrayal, I took the gem from Elsa and absorbed its poisonous power, saving the day and some kidnapped children too because why not, and then exploded myself so that the Queen couldn’t have my body as her new host. The infection in the bloodstone was burned away in the process, huzzah! So Elsa adorned herself with her gem once more. Elsa kissed me, yay, but I was mad about it since I blew myself up for her and was just a bloody disembodied head. 

How do I always end up like this? My writers are brutal.

Obviously my body grew back, and whole again I assembled a Big Hero Team including Elsa, my best citizens, and my buddy Jeff the Landshark against one of the King in Black, AKA Knull’s dragons. Can just anyone be a king now? Seems unfair. I digress…Jeff got possessed by the King in Black’s black goo but my team worked together and contained the dragon in my favorite citizen Jelby. We freed poor Jeff with some loud sound waves and we were all happily reunited. 

Captain America—the real one this time—thought I deserved a second chance following the Hydra impersonator debacle, and recruited me onto his super team, the Avengers Unity Squad. I suggested we rename ourselves “Avenging X-Men” but shocker, no one listened to me. We were supposed to to protect mutantkind from the anti-mutant organization Orchis, but we ran into the New Mutant Liberation Front who wanted to get their grubby paws on a U.S. nuclear weapon. I’ll get back to you on how that went down when Marvel Unlimited uploads the rest of my story. 

Stay tuned, Deadpool readers!